ive been out for so long.
yet i still dont miss out on what happened to me all those times...

a few minutes from now, ill be turning 18...
nothing much of parties... im not used to them anymore...
just last night, i had a dream. well actually, i dont remember anything about it anymore. except for that one single face that gave me the fiasco when i woke up this morning. it was him. once again. it was him. the very person ive so thought i have finally forgotten. it was him.
a few minutes from now, ill be a lady. yes there's nothing much for a celebration. but it will always be significant to any girl's life. specially for someone like me. someone who's seen life at its fullest and tenderness. someone who've always had the exploit of an adult. but the heart of a youngster.

ive felt deep remorse when my boyfriend asked me of that question..."mahal mo ba ko talaga o mahal mo lang ako dahil nakikita mo sya saken?"
i wasnt able to stop my tongue giving out rebuffs about what he said. i couldnt help denying the truth to him. i love him. truly. yet not that kind of love ive once felt to that person ive constantly been talking about. i love him. but i see love in different ways. i give different kinds of love to people. and its sad there's just this ONE love i can't force myself to give out to anyone but to HIM... when will i learn to love that way again, it had always been a mystery to me.

things change.
and so do people.

ive thought the drawn-out time made me brave enough to face the thoughts of him again. to finally move on and see him as the ordinary person he was to me back then. but it didnt. the sound of his name makes my heart melt. hearing it from that girl makes it burn. i forced myself to finally face the truth. but it simply made me realize how weak i am. i stumbled down. once again.

grabe. ang gulo gulo ko talaga.

tonight i feel like crying.
but for some reason, i want to stop my tears from falling.
im afraid this hurting would make the feelings i had for him go back as ive always seen my anguish and love as one.
i dont wanna cry.
because crying have always deepened the love i felt for him.
and facing reality is unworkable.

whats with the day!?!

weel today is nothing but just an ordinmary day. except that i had to wake up early this morn to go to church and that later, were gonna have that long test in anatomy. im gonna face that fucking prof in physics again and to end up this oh so toxic day, i have to visit my dermatologist to get some facial...gee! im growing pimples again. guess its because of that everyday smoking fever im having at the moment. wtf?! well... thanks anyway. i guess all these stuffs are gonna help me out today. hope theyre gonna keep me away from the fuckin reality of what today is. well today is nothing. except that its been 5mos and still i cant help but think about it.

OH-SO-TERRIBLE-SET-UP~~

~as in terible talaga!

just this week, i had to talk to one of my closestbud at school. well theres no such bigdeal on it. were done. i suppose we are. not before i saw them again yesterday. well honestly, theyre driving me the nuts. i cant believe im actually swallowing the fucked up mess theyre doing. i dont wanna play the oh so kawawa girl in the story...duh?! chaka okay na sana e. words were already said. paolo and i are okay now. we dont have that bad feelings for each other anymore. but the thing here is that aiko is my close friend. and paolo is my ex. and seeing them together (w/ or w/o the malicious thoughts) gives that awful impression towards the 2 of them...the nerves! napakaawkward tgnan! and ofcourse i also have to assert on my last entry. about the guilt i felt w/ the recent break up. Thank God he let me know it wasnt my fault after all. and if thats the case, it doesnt matter anyway. meron na pala xa eh. noon pa. funny how easy he was able to play with me. now i realize that reverse psychology is really effective. kaya pala nia ko inaaway. kaya pala he was trying to find all the reasons to get mad at me and look for the bullshit out of my actions. he even suspected my friends, acting as he was the good boy and i was the bitch. my apologies if you happen to read this. thanks for making me look stupid. i owe you one...=)

and to you my dear bud, wala na kong masabi sayo. i wouldnt give a damn talking to you again. call me fake but im not gonna understand whatever youd like to say about your attitude.

what goes around comes around

haaay nako...

its been 300 days.

i finally realize that its not gonna end. i thought i moved on but i never had. and who cares about moving on? or does it really matter? God has given me all the reasons to forget him. but just as that, my heart would always come back to him. as if he was mine. but he never was.

just last week, i broke up with my boyfriend.

ive no idea whats donna happen if he'd read all these. the fact that he did almost everything just to make me happy gives me the nerves. God knows how i wished it didnt hurt him that much. he's a wonderful person. for a while i thought id find solace in him. i thought id learn to love him. and i lived on that for ages. but i was wrong even at the very beginning.

weve been together for only about a couple of months. yet in that short span of time, i was able to penetrate through his system. he's not the material lover. im not either. but he's nice. there were times that i see myself in him. the person i was before i got my heart broken. so brave yet so naive. i dont know if he felt the same way as i did. like i was so damn inlove. the thing here is that i know how it feels to get hurt yet i cant help but let him feel it. and i have no choice. things are out of my grip. and though i find ways to lighten this fucked up situation, i still find myself hitting the set up. just because of the biggest lie i ever made-- i made him believe that i love him.

it was heavier. it was worse than what i felt.

i couldnt undo the damage anymore. but you see, i have to put things into place. i cannot slap the bitter realities right in his face but i couldnt keep this lie within myself. so paolo, if by anychance, you happen to read this notes, i hope you wont get mad. im not expecting you to understand but please dont get mad. i dont want you to lock up yourself just like what i did. i want you to know that this isnt easy and im not enjoying the dilemma. for quite sometime, i thought ive learned so much from him. now i realize i have not. he only left me with hanging questions i believed i could simply wipe off my head. i never knew i needed someone like you to answer those questions. you completed the last lesson ive got to learn in my life. now i understand things better. thank you so much di. youll always be important.